How To Manage Conflict In Your Marriage
It isn’t a matter of IF you have conflict in your marriage. It’s only a matter of WHEN. If you’ve been married for more than three days, you probably realize that.
My wife, Elizabeth, and I didn’t date for a terribly long period of time before we got married. We dated for about 7 months, got engaged and were married 6 months later. In those 13 months, we had no consequential conflict. It was pretty blissful. Then, about six months after the wedding, we got into our first serious argument.
To be honest, I really don’t remember what the argument was about. But I do remember the way Elizabeth reacted. She shut down. Cold shoulder. Silent treatment. I wanted to fight. She wanted to walk away. It was at that moment we had the opportunity to establish the “rules of engagement” for our marriage conflict. I’m so glad that we did. 21+ years later, we’ve endured a lot of tough stuff in our married life, but we’ve always addressed our conflict consistently, fairly and in a way that I believe is God-honoring.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
—Paul Tillich
To really succeed in dealing with marriage conflict, it requires a mutual commitment to a common goal, a set of ground rules that keep fighting fair and a TON of humility. In fact, I would say that humility is the #1 ingredient to having a healthy marriage. When you and your spouse find yourselves toe-to-toe on an issue, you’ll never gain an eye-to-eye understanding if you both can’t exercise the humility necessary to help your spouse win.
Marriage is a beautiful and fulfilling union, but it can also be challenging at times. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. In fact, conflict can be a healthy way for couples to express their feelings and work through their differences. In this blog post, I’ll share some strategies for managing conflict in marriage in a constructive and positive way.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When conflicts arise, it’s important to express your feelings and needs in a clear and direct way. Avoid using blame or criticism, and instead focus on how you are feeling and what you need. This allows your partner to understand where you are coming from and can help to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices.” - Colossians 3:9
Whether you are a follower of Jesus or not, honesty is the best policy. But there’s a saying I once heard that I think bears repeating here.
Everything you say, must be true. But just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it should be said.
Even in your honesty and openness, you must use discretion and wisdom to determine what information should be shared and in what timing.
Listen Actively
Listening actively is just as important as communicating openly. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or getting defensive, and instead listen with an open mind. This will help to build trust and respect in your relationship and can also help to resolve conflicts more quickly.
Check out this video from Pastor Pete Scazerro on how to be a good listener even during the midst of explosive conversations.
One of the best ways to ensure that you are actively listening is to take time to repeat back, in summary, what your spouse has communicated to you. This will also give them an opportunity to clarify anything that you may have misunderstood.
Take a Break
When conflicts become heated, it can be helpful to take a break and cool down. This allows both partners to calm down and think more clearly about the situation. It also gives them time to reflect on what they want to say and how they want to say it. Taking a break can be as simple as stepping outside for a few minutes or as long as a day or two.
If you or your spouse determine that a break from the dialogue is necessary, you should mutually agree to a specific time when you will resume the conversation.
Meet In the Middle
I remember an old family friend Charles Galbraith telling me that “marriage is not 50/50. It’s got to be 100/100.”
In a 50/50 relationship, one person is always the winner and the other is always the loser. And someone will always be keeping score.
When conflicts arise, it’s important to find a solution that works for both partners. This may mean making some sacrifices or compromising on certain issues. Remember, compromise is not about giving in or giving up, but about finding a solution that works for both partners. As I mentioned earlier, humility is a key ingredient to a healthy marriage and it’s in these situations that being humble will make things work.
Seek Help
If conflicts in your marriage are becoming too much to handle on your own, it may be helpful to seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist. A trained therapist can help couples to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and build a stronger and more satisfying relationship.
Maybe seeing a counselor seems like an extreme measure, but you do feel like you need some help. Our church offers a 7-week course called “The Marriage Course” to help couples (married, pre-married or cohabitating) strengthen their relationship, including their ability to navigate conflict. Click over to that page to see when the next session begins.
We also have a free downloadable eBook called 6 Obstacles to Effective Communication in Marriage. You can check that out as well.
Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. Remember that conflict is a normal and healthy part of any relationship, and it can even strengthen your bond as a couple.